Gone Fishing and My Desire for Healing

When I finished reading "Gone Fishing" by James H. Schmitz, I found myself wishing for a similar experience as Chard had. Since I was a small child, I always enjoyed spending time alone and figuring out how to have fun by myself. This was mostly due to the fact that my brother has Austism, and I got less attention from my parents. I also greatly enjoyed spending time with my grandparents at their cottage near Waupaca, WI, on a clear water, spring-fed lake called Stratton. Something interesting has happened to me - as I approached and went through high school and early college days, I found myself increasingly busy and active doing may different things: school, classes, after school activities, sports, show choir, work, personal projects - but after dealing with both my Army training and mental illness, I've found that I long for those early days of simplicity and being on the lake, fishing, inventing things, reading, etc. I feel that a 5 year trip to another planet with a simple environment, all my needs taken care of but having to use my own mind and my surroundings to make life interesting, would be very healing for me. It seems like the more I try to go after the busier times when life seemed so complex and interesting, and when I felt the most productive, the more stressed out I get and the more I need medication. I've found that, in my new job at Perkins, I am always looking at the clock, aching for work to be over so I can go home and sleep, basically. But I enjoy my job - it's just that with schizo-affective disorder, and being overweight, it kind of wears on me after awhile. Always being on my feet makes my heels hurt, long periods of rapid activity and having to think on my feet lead to anxiety... and getting exercise is rarely something I feel motivated to do. I guess I feel that I would really like to "be" more than I "do" - like Chard did. He was a "doer" but became a "be-er" - if I had 5 years of open-ended time in the wilderness, with no one else around, just me and God, I feel that my life would be so very much better than it is now. I'd have to make my own meals, but on my own time, not in a rush to get to school on time (or at all), or to work, or anywhere. Maybe I'd get lonely, and maybe not, but either way I think it'd be beneficial. I guess I also wouldn't mind experimenting with alcohol in a relatively safe environment, but I'd probably throw away the cigarettes. I suppose being in a place where I could do healthy things (like walking, fishing, making dinner, playing chess, writing, reading, praying) whenever those things come to me would be healing. I find that I struggle through my two daily devotionals, and wish I could have more open-ended time with God. Not that I don't get anything out of them, it's just that it's hard to quiet myself when there's so much going on. I've always got songs stuck in my head or something of the like running through my brain - or I'm adverse to reading scripture more open-endedly because there's that movie I want to watch or that project I want to work on, or I'm just afraid of the change that's required. I guess getting rid of distractions is the biggest piece - and getting in touch with nature. I used to go on long walks and build forts in Cherokee Conservation Area when I was a boy and that was a lot of fun, and very healthy. Now I can barely get myself to go on a walk around the pond in the apartment complex. Maybe it's the city life that's getting to me, and I need a respite somewhere up North. I know my Dad talks about building a cabin home and living away from the city, and I've come to agree with him more and more. All in all, Chard's experience is one I'd like to have for myself.